He's letting me go

It finally came last Thursday,

after checking the mail 10X a day for 3 weeks, it came.

*I've received my mission call.

I've been asked to serve in the New York, Rochester mission.

*I report August 8th.

I'm over-joyed at this opportunity.

I'm grateful.

Excited.

Nervous.

At the root of it all I'm really just humbled.

I feel so inadequate.

I still can't believe *He's letting me serve Him.

*I can't believe I get to wear His name.

*To testify of His works.

*To dedicate a year and a half of my life to His existence.

My part seems so small in comparison to what He's given me.

Last time I posted on here I was lost, so completely lost.

So lost that I didn't even recognize exactly how far off I was.

I moved home in mid-November.

I was physically the most sick I'd ever been in  my life,

and as much as I hate the word;* I was depressed.

*I was poor.* Hungry.* And aimless.

*So I came home.

Life got really hard.

*I was told by my new bishop that I would not be eligible to serve a mission.

That was one of the hardest meetings I have ever had.

I cried. Alot.

That was the only plan I had left.

Spiritually I went stagnant for a few months.

I was so angry at myself.

Disappointed in myself.

Everything else I'd been struggling with was heightened.

I'd like to say I had one big "AH HA!" moment that brought me back to life,

but I didn't.

*I started working as a nanny to a family in our stake.

Being busy was a blessing.

Having money was a blessing.

That family was a blessing.

Their love is still a blessing, one that I know I didn't deserve

but I'm so grateful they gave it anyways.

Their home became my refuge.

*Also during this time my oldest sister had such patience with me.

Danielle is so not perfect. But she's a saint in my eyes.

She's everything I aspire to be and probably more than I'll ever be capable of.

I can't even count how many times she's saved me.

How many times she's stayed up to talk to me,

to cry with me, to walk to the very darkest parts of my soul with me.

*I'm grateful for every time she reminded me that I was worth loving.

I would not be here if it wasn't for her.

By mid-February I was mostly put back together.

I never stopped attending church but I was mostly just going through the motions.

I loved my job.

And I was slowly starting to let people back in.

I had a job out in Utah for a week, and was given the idea to train for the Tough Mudder.

I got off the plane in Colorado and headed straight for the Sante Fe trail.

Then I started seeing Gods hand in my life again.

*I had the pleasure of training for this 12 mile and 26 obstacle mud race with a couple in my ward.

I had a new goal. I had hope. I was determined to accomplish something.

*A month and a half before the race I sprained my ankle.

*In this time I met 2 sets of missionaries.

Sister Akemon, Sister Shepherd, Elder Weagle, And Elder Schumacher.

I don't know if they know it but I'm fairly certain they were sent here just for me.

I'd given up on serving a mission, my bishop had said no.

*Then while standing in the kitchen on a Saturday morning, making bacon; Elder Schumacher asked when I was going to put in my papers.

*Later that morning I met with the Sisters, they encouraged me to look at my situation differently. Rather than as a set back in my training, maybe it was Heavenly Fathers way of telling me it was time to re-evaluate my priorities.

*That afternoon Elder Schumacher gave me the most memorable blessing of my life thus far.

And after that I knew, I had to get on a mission. Whatever it takes.

So the following Sunday after many, many, many prayers and fasting I met with my bishop again.

For the second time I asked if I could serve a mission.

*He said I needed to meet with a man from LDS Family services first.

And that he would need to meet with the Stake President.

He didn't say yes, but at least he didn't say no.

*A week later after both the meetings and lots of prayers,

for the third time I asked if I could serve a mission;

this time he said yes.

And I cried. Alot.

I started my papers.

Every appointment needed was taken care of quickly and my papers were done within 2 weeks.

Also in this 2 week span I got *strep throat, *scarlett fever, *a skin/hair virus, *several fevers from the shots required for the physical, *a fractured wrist and *a sprained shoulder.

Needless to say my training fell apart.

In the end I was advised to not compete in the race.

But the Sisters were right, I needed to re-prioritize my life.

While I couldn't see why I was in Utah almost a year ago,

I can say I get it now.

Everything.

Every sickness, every bad day, every friend gained and lost, every injury.

EVERYTHING thats happened has led me here.

In 2 weeks I get to take out my endowments.

My mission will only be a year and a half long,

but the covenants I get to make are for the eternities.

I'm so grateful for all the blessings I didn't know God was preparing me for.

I've never understood how people could be grateful for their trials until now.

I know missions aren't easy. I know its alot of work.

But honestly I'm still stunned.

I'm so grateful.

So completely humbled that He's letting me go.

* (Blessings I didn't know I was getting.)

-Throughout this journey my family has been my greatest supporters.

Their testimonies and examples have lit my path more than once. It was their love that made me feel again.

-As always, there's a boy. He's not new. But I'm grateful for his presence in my life. I should probably tell him that sometime.

Going home

So I moved out here in April for no reason other than that I felt I was supposed to be here, and now 7 months later I feel like come December I'm allowed to go home. While this feeling has allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief I'm left wondering why I came here in the first place. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. Nothing happened. Nothing worth mentioning anyway. I made friends, lost friends, worked, lived, played, dated, made some bad choices...made a few good choices; but I don't feel like much was accomplished. So why is it that I'm allowed to go home? It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sure God has a plan, I have faith that this is part of His plan, I just wish He'd give me a bigger heads up on what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. And why now? Life is the best its been since I came to Provo. I have the best group of friends, I'm active in church, I'm preparing for my mission, things finally came together and now I get to go home? What am I missing here? On the other hand I have about 2 months left...so maybe by then I'll know. Guess I'll just wait and see.

Oh boy...

Too much to say and not enough time so I'm just gonna hit the highlights.
1. I'm not a total wreck anymore. I loved Charley and let him go.
2. There's boys...too many boys.
A. The employed one. I like him alot. He has no idea what he wants.
B. The family favorite. He likes me lots. I have no idea how to explain that he deserves better than me.
C. Hot boss. I would like to lick his face. He's married. Less good.
3. Went home for Labor Day. The trip was entirely too short. I hated leaving home. I wish this lesson was over so I could just stay in Colorado. I loathe Provo. Too many stupid people.
4. I'm starting mission papers in December.
5. On meds again. Already super sick.
6. Still no roommates. It never ceases to amaze me how quiet it is when I get home.
7. Hopefully getting a calling this sunday. Fingers crossed.
8. Job is going well. I make good money. My co-workers are pretty cool.
9. I feel like I've figured out alot on one hand and then somedays I feel like I've learned nothing.
Why is being your best self so hard?
10. I miss my family.
Thats about it. Just living life. One day I'll get it right...hopefully sooner rather than later.

Mile High.Moving.New kid.Long Night.

Blues Dancing. For 3 days straight. It was... Interesting, Fun, Exhausting, Educational. I loved every minute of it. Would gladly do it again in a heartbeat. After the insane weekend I made the drive... to Provo, that is. Its official, I'm out. And consequently I am once again the new kid. Which isn't all that bad. Well at least not as bad as it was in high school. All 5 times sucked, so in comparision this is easy. Having difficulty understanding a few of the people, but I'm praying they let me in with time. We'll see. Last night was a rough patch. Mom was in the ER and I was here. And I was with people who just dont know me yet. I was worried and completely alone, in a room full of peple. But she's ok today, so I'm ok too. Life is so weird. I know I'm supposed to be here, even if I dont fit in. This is where God said to be. So I'm here. Things are about to get crazy.

I've been to Heaven..

Yes its true I've been to Heaven.
A few hundred times in fact.
Though to the untrained soul
Heaven is a billion miles away,
I know better.
Heaven is really just down the road.
I've run,
walked,
jogged,
skipped
and been pulled there.
I've gone in flip-flops,
tennis shoes,
cross trainers
and bare feet.
I've gone searching for comfort,
answers,
cures to a broken heart,
and peace.
Most days I just went to find myself again.
But every day,
He met me there.
He'd listen.
He listened to me whine and cry,
listen to my most humble and sincere prayers,
He'd listen to me vent and beg.
He would wrap His arms around me
and though I'd sometimes forget Him;
He always remembered me.
Whether I came angry,
tired,
giddy,
or discouraged,
He was there.
And when I would leave
I'd be complete again.
I'd be content,
put at peace,
and I'd know without a shadow of a doubt that
HE LOVED ME.
Though some days I wouldn't come.
Afraid to let Him in,
too ashamed to confess my mistakes.
Too prideful, too self involved, too unwilling to learn.
Not ready to be forgiven,
not ready to be loved.
But I always knew that when I was ready,
He'd be waiting.
On occasion He met me at the beginning of my journey,
knowing I wouldn't make it though this walk alone.
Some days He waited until I called for Him;
sensing the walls that encased my heart,
ten feet high and six feet in the ground;
almost as if to ask for permission to come in.
And more often than not He would just show up,
always right when I needed Him most.
Never have I been to Heaven and not had Him meet me there.
Today as I walked on this trail that has become so sacred to me,
I realized how much I've learned there,
how much I've grown,
how much I need Him,
how much I've always needed Him.
I recalled how many prayers I'd whispered
hoping He'd be listening.
The many tears that littered the ground;
tears of pain,
joy,
confusion,
and gratitude.
I remembered the many epiphanies,
answers,
and apologies.
And then in that instant,
I felt Him remember me.
Just like He always does.
I've been to Heaven,
I've felt His love,
I know He lives.
And because He died for me,
I've vowed to spend the rest of my life
living for Him.
"I know that my Redemer LIVES"

Is anybody listening?

I feel like the only time I write on here is when I'm having a bad day....
sorry to disappoint but today is no different.
How do I say that I'm a total wreck,
without sounding like an over dramatic 13 year old girl?
Can you?
If not, oh well.
I'm a wreck.
But of course I can't actually admit that.
Not to anyone else at least.
I hate it when people care out of pity.
Ew.
If I'm actually being honest with myself...
I'm scared.
I'm worn out.
I'm insanely confused.
I'm lonely.
I miss being needed.
I miss being hugged.
I miss caring about other people.
I miss having someone to care about.
I dont have alot to say,
but I want someone to listen.
Just. Listen.
I want answers.
More than anything, answers would be great.
This is all just one big complaint,
but if I actually talk to anyone they tell me everything will work out.
And yes I know this is part of God's plan.
I know these are my trials.
They'll make me stronger.
And all that other mumbo jumbo.
But I just need to freak out for a minute without feeling guilty.
Without feeling bad for feeling how I do.
Cause man I'm scared.
I'm absolutely terrified.
But in the end it probably doesn't even matter,
no one's listening anyways.

Just an update!

Still loving my laptop!
Loving my family and friends even more,
and still SO blessed!
In less happier news....
I found out last week that
in addition to the Endometriosis,
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syandrome.
And possibly Diabetes type 2.
I find out tomorrow for sure.
Really trying not to freak out...
its difficult.
Its just hard not having anyone to talk to about it.
I have 5 weeks left of my 6 week break from
Chiropractic care,
then I'M DONE!
Things are slowing wrapping up and falling apart in my life.
Though I'm sure it'll all work out how its supposed to...
in one way or another.
IN other news!
My crazy mother signed me up for LDSsingles.com.
NEVER.NEVER.NEVER
again.
Weirdies on there.
I've talked to entirely
TOO MANY members of the opposite gender this week.
I'm good with my group of guys,
at least I know they're normal.
Well...as normal as they're gonna get.
I registered for classes last week,
school starts the 24th!
Oh and I get to go on Trek with my family ward this summer!
SO STOKED!
Well thats me in a nutshell :0)