Ever had something that weighed on you so much
that somewhere inbetween all the
thinking,
analyzing,
praying and
stressing
you just kinda stop breathing?
You just lost it a little bit?
And then finally
after it's all figured out,
taken care of,
and questions are answered
you start breathing again,
not realizing that you ever stopped?
Thats been me for the past year.
This thing has seriously been eating me alive
for what feels like forever.
And after 15 months,
I can finally breathe again.
I feel lightened,
relieved,
comforted.
I feel like God remembered me again today.
And I'm grateful.
While I can say I feel loads better,
cause I do.
I can't help but admit that I feel
a twinge of sadness.
Hope always gets the best of me.
I don't usually expect the best out of people.
But in a few instances in my life I have,
and this was one of them.
So I hoped.
Regardless of this minor feeling
I'm still happy to just be breathing again.
"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
What I'd say if you were here- confessions, apologies, and thank you's
1. We're 20, remember when we talked about all the things we'd be doin when we were 20; how we'd be doing them together? Remember when we said we'd always be best friends? Remember? I do. I miss you. I'm so mad at you for all the crap you've put me-us through in the past two years, I don't even know how to talk to you anymore. But so often I'll be driving on I-25 and just be tempted to keep going till I get to Tejon, to get to your moms house. So often I just want to talk to you, to stay up way too late eating Reeses Puffs, drinking chocolate milk and talking while some movie that we both "really wanted to see!" plays in the backround. I miss laughing with you, I miss crying with you, I miss taking stupid pictures of ourselves, I miss seeing you at church, I miss hearing your testimony, I miss your taste in music, I miss our inside jokes, I miss you. I miss YOU.
2. I'm combining you two cause I have the same things to say to both of you, you guys save me, everyday. I can't even comprehend not being as close to you guys as I am. I'm sure I'd fall apart. You guys get me. You can read me better than an open book. And more often than not you know what I'm feeling before I even get two words out. I'm so grateful to be sealed to you two for time and eternity. I'm blessed to be related to the both of you and love you more than words can describe. Thank you. Dani thank you for calling to check in on me, thank you for meeting me half-way, thank you for being there when I need you most, thank you for being there when I screw up and for rejoicing most when I come back. Thank you for being my best friend. And Mom, thank you for staying up to talk to me, even when we've had the same conversation about the same boy/job/friend/situation a hundred other times that week. Thanks for supporting me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for not giving up on me, and for not killing me when I desreved it. Thank you for being my mom.
3. Rarely does a day go by that I don't regret not knowing what I wanted with you. For not being my best me when I told you I loved you, for not being more honest with myself so I could be more honest with you. I wish we could go back to the month that you went home, and we could just be friends; maybe things would've worked out differently if I'd had intentions of only being your friend first. We can't change the past and I know that, so I'm grateful you're still here. Thank you for being my friend still. Thank you for being endlessly patient with me.
4. You are my person. Whether you like it or not. Ya know, everyone said after you left I'd never hear from you again; thank you for proving them wrong. I held my breath waiting for that first phone call, and I instantly feel better when I see you're calling these days. You've solved every problem I've ever given you and answered every question I've ever asked. You're the first person I call when I'm frustrated/mad/sad/excited/confused/passed out or drugged up....I call you, and you always fix me. I miss you buddy.
5. Only when reflecting on people in my life do I even think about you anymore. You were my first. I fell in love with you, and in all honesty I've yet to find someone that makes me feel like you did. You had my heart. It took a long time but I finally feel like me again, the one that doesn't need you. But I do wish you all the best, you'll always have a piece of my heart. Knowing you and your family made me a better person.
6. I know Heavenly Father answers my prayers, I'd never been so ernestly seeking an answer than I was the night I prayed about why I felt like I was supposed to know you. Thinking about that night, to this day I can still hear that answer. It's an answer I don't feel the need to question. What I do question is if you felt it at all too. I feel like I'm at a standstill in my life waiting to know the answer to this question. Too bad you don't seem to have enough time to let me know whether or not I'm wasting mine.
7.You brought out the very worst in me and I'm so thankful I was finally able to get you out of my life. I could not be paid all the money in the world to relive what I went through with you. I thought I could help you, and all you did was break me.
8. I'm not sure why we aren't friends anymore...I think we were both just too stubborn to apologize, and that seemed to cost us our friendship. My best experience in the temple was with you. My best summer was with you. My best shopping sprees were with you. I became my best me because of you. I miss seeing you be your best too. And I learned so much about the gospel from sharing it with you. If you ever need a friend my door is always open.
9. Man we have some weird history. I can't believe we met on a bus and 5 years later we're still friends. You made sophomore year worth living, and left a huge mark on my life. It's been forever since I've seen you and it never feels like we talk often enough. Hopefully one day we'll get another shot at this thing. But until then thanks for sticking around. 143.
10. Have I told you lately? I know I don't as often as I should. But at the same time I never worry that you won't be there, I know you always will be. Thats just how you are. You my dear are one of a kind like that. I love you.
Thats all folks. I didn't mention alot of people, but the ones I did changed me, helped me, and taught me lessons I couldn't have learned any other way.
2. I'm combining you two cause I have the same things to say to both of you, you guys save me, everyday. I can't even comprehend not being as close to you guys as I am. I'm sure I'd fall apart. You guys get me. You can read me better than an open book. And more often than not you know what I'm feeling before I even get two words out. I'm so grateful to be sealed to you two for time and eternity. I'm blessed to be related to the both of you and love you more than words can describe. Thank you. Dani thank you for calling to check in on me, thank you for meeting me half-way, thank you for being there when I need you most, thank you for being there when I screw up and for rejoicing most when I come back. Thank you for being my best friend. And Mom, thank you for staying up to talk to me, even when we've had the same conversation about the same boy/job/friend/situation a hundred other times that week. Thanks for supporting me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for not giving up on me, and for not killing me when I desreved it. Thank you for being my mom.
3. Rarely does a day go by that I don't regret not knowing what I wanted with you. For not being my best me when I told you I loved you, for not being more honest with myself so I could be more honest with you. I wish we could go back to the month that you went home, and we could just be friends; maybe things would've worked out differently if I'd had intentions of only being your friend first. We can't change the past and I know that, so I'm grateful you're still here. Thank you for being my friend still. Thank you for being endlessly patient with me.
4. You are my person. Whether you like it or not. Ya know, everyone said after you left I'd never hear from you again; thank you for proving them wrong. I held my breath waiting for that first phone call, and I instantly feel better when I see you're calling these days. You've solved every problem I've ever given you and answered every question I've ever asked. You're the first person I call when I'm frustrated/mad/sad/excited/confused/passed out or drugged up....I call you, and you always fix me. I miss you buddy.
5. Only when reflecting on people in my life do I even think about you anymore. You were my first. I fell in love with you, and in all honesty I've yet to find someone that makes me feel like you did. You had my heart. It took a long time but I finally feel like me again, the one that doesn't need you. But I do wish you all the best, you'll always have a piece of my heart. Knowing you and your family made me a better person.
6. I know Heavenly Father answers my prayers, I'd never been so ernestly seeking an answer than I was the night I prayed about why I felt like I was supposed to know you. Thinking about that night, to this day I can still hear that answer. It's an answer I don't feel the need to question. What I do question is if you felt it at all too. I feel like I'm at a standstill in my life waiting to know the answer to this question. Too bad you don't seem to have enough time to let me know whether or not I'm wasting mine.
7.You brought out the very worst in me and I'm so thankful I was finally able to get you out of my life. I could not be paid all the money in the world to relive what I went through with you. I thought I could help you, and all you did was break me.
8. I'm not sure why we aren't friends anymore...I think we were both just too stubborn to apologize, and that seemed to cost us our friendship. My best experience in the temple was with you. My best summer was with you. My best shopping sprees were with you. I became my best me because of you. I miss seeing you be your best too. And I learned so much about the gospel from sharing it with you. If you ever need a friend my door is always open.
9. Man we have some weird history. I can't believe we met on a bus and 5 years later we're still friends. You made sophomore year worth living, and left a huge mark on my life. It's been forever since I've seen you and it never feels like we talk often enough. Hopefully one day we'll get another shot at this thing. But until then thanks for sticking around. 143.
10. Have I told you lately? I know I don't as often as I should. But at the same time I never worry that you won't be there, I know you always will be. Thats just how you are. You my dear are one of a kind like that. I love you.
Thats all folks. I didn't mention alot of people, but the ones I did changed me, helped me, and taught me lessons I couldn't have learned any other way.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I really need to get this done...SQUIRREL!
So this weekend a close family friend came to visit, he and I had a thing and in all honesty I don't know if everything is totally normal yet between us. I mean its not awkward or anything, it just feels different. Which I guess was to be expected. I loved spending time with someone but every time I tried to think about him in that light again it just didn't feel right and my thoughts were immediately pulled toward someone else. It was and still is a confusing feeling. I'm just gonna go ahead and dismiss all feelings toward anyone for now. Feelings complicate things too much and I don't have time for complications.
On a happier note I'm going to the temple this week. I love the temple, and I'm so excited to go. Heaven knows I need all the help I can get.
School this week will be stressful, I have many a test to study for and a speech to give. And then work every day...not too excited about work. I kinda hate my job...alot. I'm so sick of working with kids, I feel like I've already raised children up to the age of ten. Maybe I'll just adopt a ten year old after I get married. Probably not though....wishful thinking.
My birthday was this past week, I'm officially 20! Weird. So weird. But it was a fabulous day! School, then lunch and shopping with my awesome mom, then dinner with the family. My 15 year old sister made me a slide show that totally made me bawl like a baby. It was a really good day. Definitely one of the best birthdays I've ever had.
I'm trying to write a fluid, coherent blog but right now my thoughts are so scattered I'm not sure its working out too well. Half my mind is still focused on the first paragraph I wrote, while I'm obsessing about the math homework that I've yet to finish, all the while I just wanna go to bed, but it's only 6:15pm and I know if I go to bed now I'm bound to be up by 3am...not what I want. Then again maybe I'll be more ambitious about doing my math homework and studying at 3am...never tried it before.
ANYWAYS I'm gonna go obsess about all the crap going on this week and hopefully somewhere in there I'll get something figured out or done. Not likely though.
Yours as always,
Miss Average
On a happier note I'm going to the temple this week. I love the temple, and I'm so excited to go. Heaven knows I need all the help I can get.
School this week will be stressful, I have many a test to study for and a speech to give. And then work every day...not too excited about work. I kinda hate my job...alot. I'm so sick of working with kids, I feel like I've already raised children up to the age of ten. Maybe I'll just adopt a ten year old after I get married. Probably not though....wishful thinking.
My birthday was this past week, I'm officially 20! Weird. So weird. But it was a fabulous day! School, then lunch and shopping with my awesome mom, then dinner with the family. My 15 year old sister made me a slide show that totally made me bawl like a baby. It was a really good day. Definitely one of the best birthdays I've ever had.
I'm trying to write a fluid, coherent blog but right now my thoughts are so scattered I'm not sure its working out too well. Half my mind is still focused on the first paragraph I wrote, while I'm obsessing about the math homework that I've yet to finish, all the while I just wanna go to bed, but it's only 6:15pm and I know if I go to bed now I'm bound to be up by 3am...not what I want. Then again maybe I'll be more ambitious about doing my math homework and studying at 3am...never tried it before.
ANYWAYS I'm gonna go obsess about all the crap going on this week and hopefully somewhere in there I'll get something figured out or done. Not likely though.
Yours as always,
Miss Average
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Wisdom. Gratitude. Family. Second Chances.
There are so many things that have been on my mind these last few days, so I'll attempt to sum it all up, no promises though.
First off I got my wisdom teeth out- all FOUR. FOUR. FOUR freaking teeth ripped outta ma head! The first day I drooled and cried. Second and third day I watched fifty billion episodes of House. By the fourth day I was ready to get back to my normal life...only problem was the gaping holes in my mouth where my FOUR teeth had been said otherwise. Sunday ended in the most pain I'd been in yet, more drugs, and a blessing. I've been progressively getting better since. Today I got back to my normal life. I'd missed it.
Second. I recently found out that an old friend of mine's dad passed away. It made me do alot of thinking. She and I have known each other since second grade, we were always in the same class, lived down the street from each other, and participated in choir, hand bells, and dance together. Sixth grade we even went to the school a week before the first day and decorated our lockers together- Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp all the way. She's one of the sweetest girls I've ever known, always an optimist and yet this is a trial God has given her. I'm sad for her. And at the same time so incredibly grateful that what she's going through is not something I've been asked to do.
Which brings me to my next thought. Not only have I felt more grateful for my few trials, but I've appreciated my family more too. I had the chance to take my three younger siblings up to Golden to see my oldest sister, her husband and their baby yesterday. In all honesty we didn't do much of anything, but just being there with them made me happy. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I'm more grateful to have my family than I can put into words. I don't think there is yet a word to be invented to accurately describe how much I love them or how blessed I am to have them. These crazy people that make up my family are my very best friends, every single one of them.
Now this is the real kicker, and its been on my mind for a few weeks now. My brother-in-law and I used to be really close, he couldn't have been more perfect for my oldest sister and because he was so perfect for her, I automatically loved him. He's good. He's honest. Smart. Kind. Hard working. He's a great husband and a fantastic father. I respect him ALOT. As I said we used to be close, and not just because he was family. We used to be able to talk and sitting alone in a room didn't used to be awkward. Then this last weekend I realized our conversation was strained and I didn't like it; I didn't like that we had nothing to say to each other, I didn't like that the conversation felt forced. I slowly realized that we were now only talking because we were family, and that's just what you do. So when we went to see my sister yesterday I brought it up. Apparently she'd noticed too, and evidently it was my fault. After a bit of explaining I knew she was right; it was my fault. I'd been stupid, I hadn't listened, I'd blown off, ignored, and insulted him in more ways than one. It's been on my mind for over 24 hours and I have yet to come up with a solution on how to fix it. I want so badly to fix this and I have no idea where to start. I thoroughly hope he believes in giving people second chances, even to those who heaven knows don't deserve them.
That's about all for now. I can't say this week was a very average one at all. It was actually very abnormal. but I'm excited to get back to my real life...the ever so predictable, unchanging, average life of mine. I'm comfortable there. At least for today.
Yours,
Miss Average
First off I got my wisdom teeth out- all FOUR. FOUR. FOUR freaking teeth ripped outta ma head! The first day I drooled and cried. Second and third day I watched fifty billion episodes of House. By the fourth day I was ready to get back to my normal life...only problem was the gaping holes in my mouth where my FOUR teeth had been said otherwise. Sunday ended in the most pain I'd been in yet, more drugs, and a blessing. I've been progressively getting better since. Today I got back to my normal life. I'd missed it.
Second. I recently found out that an old friend of mine's dad passed away. It made me do alot of thinking. She and I have known each other since second grade, we were always in the same class, lived down the street from each other, and participated in choir, hand bells, and dance together. Sixth grade we even went to the school a week before the first day and decorated our lockers together- Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp all the way. She's one of the sweetest girls I've ever known, always an optimist and yet this is a trial God has given her. I'm sad for her. And at the same time so incredibly grateful that what she's going through is not something I've been asked to do.
Which brings me to my next thought. Not only have I felt more grateful for my few trials, but I've appreciated my family more too. I had the chance to take my three younger siblings up to Golden to see my oldest sister, her husband and their baby yesterday. In all honesty we didn't do much of anything, but just being there with them made me happy. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I'm more grateful to have my family than I can put into words. I don't think there is yet a word to be invented to accurately describe how much I love them or how blessed I am to have them. These crazy people that make up my family are my very best friends, every single one of them.
Now this is the real kicker, and its been on my mind for a few weeks now. My brother-in-law and I used to be really close, he couldn't have been more perfect for my oldest sister and because he was so perfect for her, I automatically loved him. He's good. He's honest. Smart. Kind. Hard working. He's a great husband and a fantastic father. I respect him ALOT. As I said we used to be close, and not just because he was family. We used to be able to talk and sitting alone in a room didn't used to be awkward. Then this last weekend I realized our conversation was strained and I didn't like it; I didn't like that we had nothing to say to each other, I didn't like that the conversation felt forced. I slowly realized that we were now only talking because we were family, and that's just what you do. So when we went to see my sister yesterday I brought it up. Apparently she'd noticed too, and evidently it was my fault. After a bit of explaining I knew she was right; it was my fault. I'd been stupid, I hadn't listened, I'd blown off, ignored, and insulted him in more ways than one. It's been on my mind for over 24 hours and I have yet to come up with a solution on how to fix it. I want so badly to fix this and I have no idea where to start. I thoroughly hope he believes in giving people second chances, even to those who heaven knows don't deserve them.
That's about all for now. I can't say this week was a very average one at all. It was actually very abnormal. but I'm excited to get back to my real life...the ever so predictable, unchanging, average life of mine. I'm comfortable there. At least for today.
Yours,
Miss Average
Sunday, September 19, 2010
God knows me
The rough week continued into a rough weekend.
My family went camping and I had class,
so I didn't get to go.
I was beyond lonely.
They got home today
and I find I am still beyond lonely.
I feel invisible lately.
Unnoticed.
Completely.
And I've given up on a lot this week.
I gave up on my best friend.
My job.
Body.
Finding new friends.
Money.
A lot.
I've felt like God just forgot about me.
Forgot to give me directions,
friends,
a job,
He just got busy and forgot.
But tonight sitting on my floor
thinking about everything I've given up on,
and everything I've lost.
God remembered me.
He helped me find something.
It's going to save me money,
time,
and days of stress
Things I've been preparing for.
So I'm grateful.
I'm blessed to have what I do.
I still don't have friends,
a good body,
money,
or a job.
But I'm grateful.
I'm just grateful He remembered ME.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Today
Today...rather this week I'm frustrated.
I feel like I'm at a standstill and I don't like it.
I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing,
planning ahead as much as possible;
and I feel like its all getting me absolutely
no where.
I've run out of friends.
They're all "experiencing" life.
AKA getting trashed, sleeping around and
"finding out who they are"...
they just don't want to be accountable to anyone.
So I'm left with classmates and co-workers.
Who challenge my religion every chance they get.
I'm tired of it this week.
Just worn out.
So family it is.
I really do have a great family.
And I'm grateful for that.
School is fine.
Money is tight.
The gospel is true.
I just wish I had one someone to share this with.
Elder Ohio and I talk consistently...
he's the only friend worth mentioning.
Haven't heard from Elder California
nor do I anticipate that I will.
I think that's whats got me today.
Though today is just another day,
and I'll have a new one tomorrow.
Tomorrow....
Yours,
Miss Average
I feel like I'm at a standstill and I don't like it.
I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing,
planning ahead as much as possible;
and I feel like its all getting me absolutely
no where.
I've run out of friends.
They're all "experiencing" life.
AKA getting trashed, sleeping around and
"finding out who they are"...
they just don't want to be accountable to anyone.
So I'm left with classmates and co-workers.
Who challenge my religion every chance they get.
I'm tired of it this week.
Just worn out.
So family it is.
I really do have a great family.
And I'm grateful for that.
School is fine.
Money is tight.
The gospel is true.
I just wish I had one someone to share this with.
Elder Ohio and I talk consistently...
he's the only friend worth mentioning.
Haven't heard from Elder California
nor do I anticipate that I will.
I think that's whats got me today.
Though today is just another day,
and I'll have a new one tomorrow.
Tomorrow....
Yours,
Miss Average
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Just another day
So I know it's been a while since I've checked in, but I've had so much going on in my average everyday little life...you know the busy stuff that makes you feel like you haven't really accomplished anything? Yea its that stuff. So here's what I've been up to...
1. I went to California with my best friend. I LOVED Santa Barbra. I learned that my best friend and I are headed in very different directions- and I'm ok with that. I came away with an indescribable feeling of gratitude towards the members in Cali. Their kindness, acceptance and willingness to serve some girl they'd never met before changed me, they set an example I won't soon forget.
2. School started. I changed my major to Business Management. I'm making friends and sharing the gospel...it feels great.
3. Still working at the dental office. Attempting to share what I know with a man I work with. He's an Atheist-he's searching.
4. Elder California goes home this week. I'm freaking out.
5. Institute classes started, I'm excited to learn.
There isn't much else going on, just the normal day to day junk. But I'm enjoying it. I love where I'm at, though I can't help but wonder where I'm headed....
Thats all for now.
Yours truly,
Miss average
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