He's letting me go

It finally came last Thursday,

after checking the mail 10X a day for 3 weeks, it came.

*I've received my mission call.

I've been asked to serve in the New York, Rochester mission.

*I report August 8th.

I'm over-joyed at this opportunity.

I'm grateful.

Excited.

Nervous.

At the root of it all I'm really just humbled.

I feel so inadequate.

I still can't believe *He's letting me serve Him.

*I can't believe I get to wear His name.

*To testify of His works.

*To dedicate a year and a half of my life to His existence.

My part seems so small in comparison to what He's given me.

Last time I posted on here I was lost, so completely lost.

So lost that I didn't even recognize exactly how far off I was.

I moved home in mid-November.

I was physically the most sick I'd ever been in  my life,

and as much as I hate the word;* I was depressed.

*I was poor.* Hungry.* And aimless.

*So I came home.

Life got really hard.

*I was told by my new bishop that I would not be eligible to serve a mission.

That was one of the hardest meetings I have ever had.

I cried. Alot.

That was the only plan I had left.

Spiritually I went stagnant for a few months.

I was so angry at myself.

Disappointed in myself.

Everything else I'd been struggling with was heightened.

I'd like to say I had one big "AH HA!" moment that brought me back to life,

but I didn't.

*I started working as a nanny to a family in our stake.

Being busy was a blessing.

Having money was a blessing.

That family was a blessing.

Their love is still a blessing, one that I know I didn't deserve

but I'm so grateful they gave it anyways.

Their home became my refuge.

*Also during this time my oldest sister had such patience with me.

Danielle is so not perfect. But she's a saint in my eyes.

She's everything I aspire to be and probably more than I'll ever be capable of.

I can't even count how many times she's saved me.

How many times she's stayed up to talk to me,

to cry with me, to walk to the very darkest parts of my soul with me.

*I'm grateful for every time she reminded me that I was worth loving.

I would not be here if it wasn't for her.

By mid-February I was mostly put back together.

I never stopped attending church but I was mostly just going through the motions.

I loved my job.

And I was slowly starting to let people back in.

I had a job out in Utah for a week, and was given the idea to train for the Tough Mudder.

I got off the plane in Colorado and headed straight for the Sante Fe trail.

Then I started seeing Gods hand in my life again.

*I had the pleasure of training for this 12 mile and 26 obstacle mud race with a couple in my ward.

I had a new goal. I had hope. I was determined to accomplish something.

*A month and a half before the race I sprained my ankle.

*In this time I met 2 sets of missionaries.

Sister Akemon, Sister Shepherd, Elder Weagle, And Elder Schumacher.

I don't know if they know it but I'm fairly certain they were sent here just for me.

I'd given up on serving a mission, my bishop had said no.

*Then while standing in the kitchen on a Saturday morning, making bacon; Elder Schumacher asked when I was going to put in my papers.

*Later that morning I met with the Sisters, they encouraged me to look at my situation differently. Rather than as a set back in my training, maybe it was Heavenly Fathers way of telling me it was time to re-evaluate my priorities.

*That afternoon Elder Schumacher gave me the most memorable blessing of my life thus far.

And after that I knew, I had to get on a mission. Whatever it takes.

So the following Sunday after many, many, many prayers and fasting I met with my bishop again.

For the second time I asked if I could serve a mission.

*He said I needed to meet with a man from LDS Family services first.

And that he would need to meet with the Stake President.

He didn't say yes, but at least he didn't say no.

*A week later after both the meetings and lots of prayers,

for the third time I asked if I could serve a mission;

this time he said yes.

And I cried. Alot.

I started my papers.

Every appointment needed was taken care of quickly and my papers were done within 2 weeks.

Also in this 2 week span I got *strep throat, *scarlett fever, *a skin/hair virus, *several fevers from the shots required for the physical, *a fractured wrist and *a sprained shoulder.

Needless to say my training fell apart.

In the end I was advised to not compete in the race.

But the Sisters were right, I needed to re-prioritize my life.

While I couldn't see why I was in Utah almost a year ago,

I can say I get it now.

Everything.

Every sickness, every bad day, every friend gained and lost, every injury.

EVERYTHING thats happened has led me here.

In 2 weeks I get to take out my endowments.

My mission will only be a year and a half long,

but the covenants I get to make are for the eternities.

I'm so grateful for all the blessings I didn't know God was preparing me for.

I've never understood how people could be grateful for their trials until now.

I know missions aren't easy. I know its alot of work.

But honestly I'm still stunned.

I'm so grateful.

So completely humbled that He's letting me go.

* (Blessings I didn't know I was getting.)

-Throughout this journey my family has been my greatest supporters.

Their testimonies and examples have lit my path more than once. It was their love that made me feel again.

-As always, there's a boy. He's not new. But I'm grateful for his presence in my life. I should probably tell him that sometime.

Going home

So I moved out here in April for no reason other than that I felt I was supposed to be here, and now 7 months later I feel like come December I'm allowed to go home. While this feeling has allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief I'm left wondering why I came here in the first place. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. Nothing happened. Nothing worth mentioning anyway. I made friends, lost friends, worked, lived, played, dated, made some bad choices...made a few good choices; but I don't feel like much was accomplished. So why is it that I'm allowed to go home? It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sure God has a plan, I have faith that this is part of His plan, I just wish He'd give me a bigger heads up on what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. And why now? Life is the best its been since I came to Provo. I have the best group of friends, I'm active in church, I'm preparing for my mission, things finally came together and now I get to go home? What am I missing here? On the other hand I have about 2 months left...so maybe by then I'll know. Guess I'll just wait and see.

Oh boy...

Too much to say and not enough time so I'm just gonna hit the highlights.
1. I'm not a total wreck anymore. I loved Charley and let him go.
2. There's boys...too many boys.
A. The employed one. I like him alot. He has no idea what he wants.
B. The family favorite. He likes me lots. I have no idea how to explain that he deserves better than me.
C. Hot boss. I would like to lick his face. He's married. Less good.
3. Went home for Labor Day. The trip was entirely too short. I hated leaving home. I wish this lesson was over so I could just stay in Colorado. I loathe Provo. Too many stupid people.
4. I'm starting mission papers in December.
5. On meds again. Already super sick.
6. Still no roommates. It never ceases to amaze me how quiet it is when I get home.
7. Hopefully getting a calling this sunday. Fingers crossed.
8. Job is going well. I make good money. My co-workers are pretty cool.
9. I feel like I've figured out alot on one hand and then somedays I feel like I've learned nothing.
Why is being your best self so hard?
10. I miss my family.
Thats about it. Just living life. One day I'll get it right...hopefully sooner rather than later.

Mile High.Moving.New kid.Long Night.

Blues Dancing. For 3 days straight. It was... Interesting, Fun, Exhausting, Educational. I loved every minute of it. Would gladly do it again in a heartbeat. After the insane weekend I made the drive... to Provo, that is. Its official, I'm out. And consequently I am once again the new kid. Which isn't all that bad. Well at least not as bad as it was in high school. All 5 times sucked, so in comparision this is easy. Having difficulty understanding a few of the people, but I'm praying they let me in with time. We'll see. Last night was a rough patch. Mom was in the ER and I was here. And I was with people who just dont know me yet. I was worried and completely alone, in a room full of peple. But she's ok today, so I'm ok too. Life is so weird. I know I'm supposed to be here, even if I dont fit in. This is where God said to be. So I'm here. Things are about to get crazy.

I've been to Heaven..

Yes its true I've been to Heaven.
A few hundred times in fact.
Though to the untrained soul
Heaven is a billion miles away,
I know better.
Heaven is really just down the road.
I've run,
walked,
jogged,
skipped
and been pulled there.
I've gone in flip-flops,
tennis shoes,
cross trainers
and bare feet.
I've gone searching for comfort,
answers,
cures to a broken heart,
and peace.
Most days I just went to find myself again.
But every day,
He met me there.
He'd listen.
He listened to me whine and cry,
listen to my most humble and sincere prayers,
He'd listen to me vent and beg.
He would wrap His arms around me
and though I'd sometimes forget Him;
He always remembered me.
Whether I came angry,
tired,
giddy,
or discouraged,
He was there.
And when I would leave
I'd be complete again.
I'd be content,
put at peace,
and I'd know without a shadow of a doubt that
HE LOVED ME.
Though some days I wouldn't come.
Afraid to let Him in,
too ashamed to confess my mistakes.
Too prideful, too self involved, too unwilling to learn.
Not ready to be forgiven,
not ready to be loved.
But I always knew that when I was ready,
He'd be waiting.
On occasion He met me at the beginning of my journey,
knowing I wouldn't make it though this walk alone.
Some days He waited until I called for Him;
sensing the walls that encased my heart,
ten feet high and six feet in the ground;
almost as if to ask for permission to come in.
And more often than not He would just show up,
always right when I needed Him most.
Never have I been to Heaven and not had Him meet me there.
Today as I walked on this trail that has become so sacred to me,
I realized how much I've learned there,
how much I've grown,
how much I need Him,
how much I've always needed Him.
I recalled how many prayers I'd whispered
hoping He'd be listening.
The many tears that littered the ground;
tears of pain,
joy,
confusion,
and gratitude.
I remembered the many epiphanies,
answers,
and apologies.
And then in that instant,
I felt Him remember me.
Just like He always does.
I've been to Heaven,
I've felt His love,
I know He lives.
And because He died for me,
I've vowed to spend the rest of my life
living for Him.
"I know that my Redemer LIVES"

Is anybody listening?

I feel like the only time I write on here is when I'm having a bad day....
sorry to disappoint but today is no different.
How do I say that I'm a total wreck,
without sounding like an over dramatic 13 year old girl?
Can you?
If not, oh well.
I'm a wreck.
But of course I can't actually admit that.
Not to anyone else at least.
I hate it when people care out of pity.
Ew.
If I'm actually being honest with myself...
I'm scared.
I'm worn out.
I'm insanely confused.
I'm lonely.
I miss being needed.
I miss being hugged.
I miss caring about other people.
I miss having someone to care about.
I dont have alot to say,
but I want someone to listen.
Just. Listen.
I want answers.
More than anything, answers would be great.
This is all just one big complaint,
but if I actually talk to anyone they tell me everything will work out.
And yes I know this is part of God's plan.
I know these are my trials.
They'll make me stronger.
And all that other mumbo jumbo.
But I just need to freak out for a minute without feeling guilty.
Without feeling bad for feeling how I do.
Cause man I'm scared.
I'm absolutely terrified.
But in the end it probably doesn't even matter,
no one's listening anyways.

Just an update!

Still loving my laptop!
Loving my family and friends even more,
and still SO blessed!
In less happier news....
I found out last week that
in addition to the Endometriosis,
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syandrome.
And possibly Diabetes type 2.
I find out tomorrow for sure.
Really trying not to freak out...
its difficult.
Its just hard not having anyone to talk to about it.
I have 5 weeks left of my 6 week break from
Chiropractic care,
then I'M DONE!
Things are slowing wrapping up and falling apart in my life.
Though I'm sure it'll all work out how its supposed to...
in one way or another.
IN other news!
My crazy mother signed me up for LDSsingles.com.
NEVER.NEVER.NEVER
again.
Weirdies on there.
I've talked to entirely
TOO MANY members of the opposite gender this week.
I'm good with my group of guys,
at least I know they're normal.
Well...as normal as they're gonna get.
I registered for classes last week,
school starts the 24th!
Oh and I get to go on Trek with my family ward this summer!
SO STOKED!
Well thats me in a nutshell :0)

So lucky, so blessed

WOW.
This week has been
AWESOME
to say the least.
I had the opportunity to work at the office,
and LOVED every stinkin' minute of it!
Made some pretty dang good money too!
More than I expected.
I also gave my notice to one of the families that I nanny for.
SOOOO glad to have that done!
I FINALLY finished my Chiropractic care!!!!
We do the final evaluation on Monday.
I also find out more about my endometriosis on Monday,
though that's not a happy thing,
I'll be glad to have some solid answers.
But on the happiest note of all,
I got to see Dani and Garrett today,
found out some super SPECTACULAR info;
and on top of it all I received the laptop that my
TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME
brother David fixed up for me,
which I am currently writing this blog on...
IN MY ROOM!
HOW SWEET IS THAT!?!?
I know right!?
Anywho I'm so
so
so
so
HAPPY!
I LOVE MY FAMILY!
MY FRIENDS ARE THE BEST!
AND THE GOSPEL IS TRUE!
I'm beyond lucky, loved and blessed.
Mostly I'm GRATEFUL.
SO very grateful!

About that....

I got told that I was a negative person this week,
and on top of all my new found problems
I've found that the comment really bothered me.
So after some major life changing news this week,
I felt like I needed to be more positive...
but then I talked to my mom
who justified my feelings.
I'm not naturally a pessimist,
but I've been through alot this year.
And my cynical and overly analytical attitude
is just proof that I've had alot to learn.
I have learned alot this year;
you can't trust people right off the bat.
Best friends change,
Being alone is better than being with the wrong people.
I have more faults than I wanted to admit,
I needed to learn how to treat people better.
Being patient in Gods timing is hard,
Sometimes bad things can turn into blessings.
I ALWAYS fall for the wrong people,
I learned what I want in a companion,
Better yet I've learned what I DON'T want.
Often times I waste so much energy on people who don't matter.
I'm trying to do my best,
some days it feels like none of that even counts.
But I do acknowledge the good stuff,
I give gratitude where it is warranted.
I appreciate my family and the amazing friends I do have.
I may not be a big ball of sunshine,
but considering the trials I've got on my plate
I'd like to think I'm handling things relatively well.
I always feel that optimistic people just haven't had enough trials yet.
They're still naive to what the world is really like...
and that someday they'll wake up and get realistic.
Anyways what I'm getting at is...
Well...
Just don't judge me.
I'm not done yet.
I've got alot left to learn.
And life is hard.
Anyone who tells you it isn't hasn't lived.
We do get those silver linings,
that's the stuff that gets us through the crap.
So don't give up on me just yet,
and in return I'll do the same.
"This life is to be enjoyed, not just endured..."
I need to remember that more often.

Christmas!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
I LOVE...
That everyone's happier,
That it gives me an excuse to serve others,
That I get to remind the people I love, that I love them,
Christmas smells,
Eggnog,
Cookies,
Cinnamon,
Nutmeg,
Time with my family,
Cuddling up on the couch in P.J's,
Houses decked out in lights,
SNOW,
Warm fires,
Buying presents,
Wrapping presents,
Surprised faces after opening said presents,
Christmas music,
Recongizing the real reason we get to celebrate,
Remembeing the sacrifices Mary and Joseph made,
Feeling gratitude towards Jesus Christ,
I LOVE LOVE LOVE
CHRISTMAS!!!!

Physical Therapy

So I was in a car accident in April.
APRIL.
Some stupid 17 year old girl wasn't paying attention
and T-boned me.
And now 9 months later,
I'm still in Physical Therapy.
And I go to all the appointments,
but its not something I go into detail about.
Today it got to me though.
More so than anything else,
its just taken up alot of time.
5 out of 7 days a week for the last 9 months I've
seen a chiropractor,
massage therapist,
electric shock technician,
and a physical therapist.
And as of this week
I'm on spine med.
The Chiropractor
can't get bones to stay where he put them them,
just the day before,
and is consistently forcing every ounce of breath out of me.
The Massage Therapist
left me with bruises all up and down my body
for weeks at a time.
I wanted to cry more times than I can count during those 2 hr. sessions.
The Electric Shock Technician
well...it's pretty self explanatory,
they hook you up to a machiene that sends
jolts of electricity through your body for 20 minutes.
It kills, believe me.
My Physical Therapist
is forever trying to get rid of my whip-lash
by hooking me up to this contraption
that bends my neck in ways I'm sure God did not intend.
Which leaves me with a migrane everytime.
And lastly Spine med.
Ya know those old midevil torture devices,
that were meant for literally pulling a person from limb to limb?
Spine med is like that.
They put you on a table,
strap you down from the waist up;
then put curved metal holders at the top of your hips and lock you in.
Then the table moves, it's pressure is calculated by pounds.
So when set to 50 lbs. that means that your hips will then be pulled in the
opposite direction from your head, with 50 lbs. of pressure forcing your spine to lengthen.
If that doesn't sound bad enough every move is monitored by the amount of weight on the table, so if you breathe, itch your nose, cough, turn your head, or move your mouth,
the weight increases to make sure you're still getting an accurate 50 lb. pull.
Which in turn messes up the data being collected and you have to start over.
Spine med takes 45 minutes minimum.
And the whole time I feel like I can't breathe.
Half way through I feel like I could have an anxiety attack.
Today was rough.
I had Spine med. at 8 am,
then I had PT,
then Electric Shock,
then the Chiropractor.
I got home
and today,
I cried.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
IT HURTS.
It doesn't ever feel better,
it just hurts
ALL THE TIME.
And I can't fix it.
I can't control it.
I couldn't stop it.
And it hurts.
And no one gets it.
Yes I know I'm blessed to be able to get this care,
and I'm beyond grateful to have it.
But after 9 months of being in pain all day every day,
I'm worn out.
Running hurts,
dancing hurts,
laying down hurts,
turning my back hurts,
turning my head hurts,
reaching behind me hurts,
lifting things hurts,
it all hurts, all the time.
And its frustrating
cause I have absolutely no control over it.
I hurt.
Today it just hurt.

Perfectly Lonely

So there's this new song out by John Mayer entitled "Perfectly Lonely".
To sum it up its about being content in his single-ness.
"I don't belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me..."
So I feel like I can relate to him at this moment,
everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows about his love life,
his not-so-good rep. and his heart-breaker attitude.
And coincidentally I find myself in the same situation...
only my life isn't broadcast on national television, but still
I'm right there with ya John!
I have this reputation for getting the attention of....
unavailable guys;
though its not entirely my fault,
I still get crap about it.
Now the past "unavailables" are currently some of my very best friends,
if not the best.
Yet my rep. remains intact,
though I haven't dated anyone,
or even considered dating anyone since early February.
And like John I've been perfectly happy in my loneliness.
Until last week, and though contrary to my previous "type",
he's very much available.
And very much aware of "the rep".
Sounds like some sort of plauge huh?
It kinda feel like a plauge too...
I can't help but feel that having people know about the person I used to be,
influences who they think I am today.
In fact I'm sure it does.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a do-over button?
I'd even settle for a rewind, pause then re-write button....
guess thats really just a do-over, huh?
Anyways I'm not sure how to fix this,
because I don't have a do-over button
and I'm stuck.
This is the most level-headed I've been about a guy in...oh...
EVER.
I always rush things,
but I don't want to do that this time.
Man why does trying to find the "right one"
gotta be so dang complicated?!
Sorry John, but as of this weekend you're on your own,
I'm not so happy in my loneliness.
But good luck on stayin Perfectly Lonely!
Guess this means I'm on my own too.
I could use some luck right about now too...

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

I. LOVE. THIS. SONG.

We CHANGE

EVOLVE

GROW

EVERYDAY.

Regardless of whats going on outside of us,

the things we can't control,

society,

people,

evil,

WE

still

have a

VOICE

WE

have

a

say.

And

NO ONE

can take that

Away.

I'm

just ONE

voice,

ONE

person,

and I can

CHANGE the

WORLD

ONE

little bit at a time.

Take away

the make-up,

nice clothes,

and try to break me

But I'm still here.

I'm still trying.

I'm still ME.

The stuff weekends are made of

So this weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time with my older sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and my brother-in-law's mom and sister.
I kind of adore all of these people, so all in all it was a great weekend.
Around this particular group of people I feel the need to be my best self, and typically walk away feeling like I have so many things to fix.
And as expected I now have a list of things to do and change.
But I had the privlege to have a conversation with my brother-in-law's little sister, who I really consider one of my own sisters these days.
In this conversation I got to do the teaching rather than the listening; and if you know me, you know that I'd much rather recieve advice than give it...I always feel like I have more to learn than whomever else I'm talking to. On any account, I had the blesing of being the teacher this go around. And boy am I grateful for that experience, I learned so much about her, the spirit, and myself. I know the spirit guided that conversation because I can't honestly say that what we were talking about was something I'd ever even thought about before. And for some reason she needed to hear what was said, and I just got lucky enough to be the person to talk to her about it.
I now have a reaffirmed faith that Heavenly Father gives us what we need, when we need it.
I'm grateful I was able to give back even just a little bit to this family. A few years back it was this family that Heavenly Father sent to me...granted my sister got a husband out of our relationshop with them, but I still like to think that He knew I needed them too. They set an example for me and helped me remember who I could be. I love them for that.
Anyways last night I also got to talk to one of my best friends...he's such a dork, but he always makes me feel better. I really just got lucky to know the people I do, and even luckier to be related to the people in my family.
More and more lately I've been realizing that God remembers me everyday...and He lets me know it too. I have alot to be grateful for.
I need to remember that more often.
Well thats about all I've got for now.
Not so excited to get back to my real life this week, but only one more week till Thanksgiving,
I'm counting down the days.
I love the holidays!
Excited :0)

Think. Worry. Analyze.

Man I don't know whats up lately
but I've turned into this hyper sensitive,
pathetic ball of mush.
I think.
I worry.
I over analyze.
Then I worry about why
I'm thinking
and over analyzing.
Then after obsessing about
what I think
I worry
that I'm going to start
overanalyzing.
And at the end of all the
thinking
worrying
and over analyzing
I feel terrible.
Then I start
apologizing.
All in all
I suck this week.
And I don't even know why.
But if I dwell on it too much,
I'll start to overanalyze it,
and if that happens
heaven knows I'm bound to start
worrying about it.
Something has got to give.

You really are so dumb. Fo real.

People are frustrating.
And dishonest.
Just because you're not
FLAT. OUT. LYING.
Doesn't mean you aren't being dishonest.
I hate hate hate hate hate
LIARS.
If I wanted someone to lie to my face
I'd pay people to be my friends.
But I don't.
I just don't understand.
What kind of satisfaction do you get
from not telling the truth?
How does it better you?
And worse!
Why would you date someone you don't like,
and then FLIRT WITH SOMEONE ELSE????
Maybe I'm just not "hip"
to how our society works these day,
but if you're just gonna mess around
with other people,
why be in a relationship?
Really, I just don't understand.
Anyone wanna explain?
OR
Why tell someone that you like them if you don't?
What happened to honesty people?
Here's a helpful tip..
IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMEONE
DON"T TELL THEM THAT YOU DO.
I promise it'll save you LOADS of
time,
drama,
apologies,
and hurt feelings.
I'm starting to think I'm the crazy one.
I thought these were all standards.
Apparently I was wrong.
SO for people who lie,
cheat,
decieve,
or speak before they think...
You really are SO DUMB.
Fo REAL.
Just sayin'.

Do it today. Say it today. LIVE. TODAY.

So I was thinking today

And I've been told I think too much

and I'm sure I do.

On any account I was thinking today.

I was thinking about what I'd do or say

if today was my last.

Now I can't say that I hide what I feel

or think generally.

But I decided that there had to be

a few things at least

that I'd want to do,

or want to say.

After thinking about this for a good while

I decided that if today was my last day

I'd be ok with it.

My family knows that I love them.

My friends know that I care.

I've left journals behind.

I've been honest.

I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I know where I'm headed when this life is over.

I've not always been my best,

I've made more mistakes than I can count,

But I tried.

I tried to be my best.

I've said what I've needed to say,

asked questions I've needed answers to,

and can say with confidence

that I've lived a good life.

Then I realized how lucky I am

that today is not my last...

at least in this moment.

I'm still alive and feel that I will be

for some time.

I have the opportunity,

chance,

choice,

to make every day I'm given

COUNT.

My life is worth living.

I have so much more to do.

And still so much more to say.

Things I don't even know about.

And people I've yet to meet.

Experiences.

Challenges.

Blessings.

Heartaches.

Happiness.

I've got so much life to live.

How glad I am

that today is not my last.

What would you do if you only had one day left?

What would you say?

Are there amends to make?

Love to profess?

Challenges to accept?

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today, for you will find that you end up with alot of empty yesterdays."

Breathing again

Ever had something that weighed on you so much
that somewhere inbetween all the
thinking,
analyzing,
praying and
stressing
you just kinda stop breathing?
You just lost it a little bit?
And then finally
after it's all figured out,
taken care of,
and questions are answered
you start breathing again,
not realizing that you ever stopped?
Thats been me for the past year.
This thing has seriously been eating me alive
for what feels like forever.
And after 15 months,
I can finally breathe again.
I feel lightened,
relieved,
comforted.
I feel like God remembered me again today.
And I'm grateful.
While I can say I feel loads better,
cause I do.
I can't help but admit that I feel
a twinge of sadness.
Hope always gets the best of me.
I don't usually expect the best out of people.
But in a few instances in my life I have,
and this was one of them.
So I hoped.
Regardless of this minor feeling
I'm still happy to just be breathing again.
"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

What I'd say if you were here- confessions, apologies, and thank you's

1. We're 20, remember when we talked about all the things we'd be doin when we were 20; how we'd be doing them together? Remember when we said we'd always be best friends? Remember? I do. I miss you. I'm so mad at you for all the crap you've put me-us through in the past two years, I don't even know how to talk to you anymore. But so often I'll be driving on I-25 and just be tempted to keep going till I get to Tejon, to get to your moms house. So often I just want to talk to you, to stay up way too late eating Reeses Puffs, drinking chocolate milk and talking while some movie that we both "really wanted to see!" plays in the backround. I miss laughing with you, I miss crying with you, I miss taking stupid pictures of ourselves, I miss seeing you at church, I miss hearing your testimony, I miss your taste in music, I miss our inside jokes, I miss you. I miss YOU.

2. I'm combining you two cause I have the same things to say to both of you, you guys save me, everyday. I can't even comprehend not being as close to you guys as I am. I'm sure I'd fall apart. You guys get me. You can read me better than an open book. And more often than not you know what I'm feeling before I even get two words out. I'm so grateful to be sealed to you two for time and eternity. I'm blessed to be related to the both of you and love you more than words can describe. Thank you. Dani thank you for calling to check in on me, thank you for meeting me half-way, thank you for being there when I need you most, thank you for being there when I screw up and for rejoicing most when I come back. Thank you for being my best friend. And Mom, thank you for staying up to talk to me, even when we've had the same conversation about the same boy/job/friend/situation a hundred other times that week. Thanks for supporting me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for not giving up on me, and for not killing me when I desreved it. Thank you for being my mom.

3. Rarely does a day go by that I don't regret not knowing what I wanted with you. For not being my best me when I told you I loved you, for not being more honest with myself so I could be more honest with you. I wish we could go back to the month that you went home, and we could just be friends; maybe things would've worked out differently if I'd had intentions of only being your friend first. We can't change the past and I know that, so I'm grateful you're still here. Thank you for being my friend still. Thank you for being endlessly patient with me.

4. You are my person. Whether you like it or not. Ya know, everyone said after you left I'd never hear from you again; thank you for proving them wrong. I held my breath waiting for that first phone call, and I instantly feel better when I see you're calling these days. You've solved every problem I've ever given you and answered every question I've ever asked. You're the first person I call when I'm frustrated/mad/sad/excited/confused/passed out or drugged up....I call you, and you always fix me. I miss you buddy.

5. Only when reflecting on people in my life do I even think about you anymore. You were my first. I fell in love with you, and in all honesty I've yet to find someone that makes me feel like you did. You had my heart. It took a long time but I finally feel like me again, the one that doesn't need you. But I do wish you all the best, you'll always have a piece of my heart. Knowing you and your family made me a better person.

6. I know Heavenly Father answers my prayers, I'd never been so ernestly seeking an answer than I was the night I prayed about why I felt like I was supposed to know you. Thinking about that night, to this day I can still hear that answer. It's an answer I don't feel the need to question. What I do question is if you felt it at all too. I feel like I'm at a standstill in my life waiting to know the answer to this question. Too bad you don't seem to have enough time to let me know whether or not I'm wasting mine.

7.You brought out the very worst in me and I'm so thankful I was finally able to get you out of my life. I could not be paid all the money in the world to relive what I went through with you. I thought I could help you, and all you did was break me.

8. I'm not sure why we aren't friends anymore...I think we were both just too stubborn to apologize, and that seemed to cost us our friendship. My best experience in the temple was with you. My best summer was with you. My best shopping sprees were with you. I became my best me because of you. I miss seeing you be your best too. And I learned so much about the gospel from sharing it with you. If you ever need a friend my door is always open.

9. Man we have some weird history. I can't believe we met on a bus and 5 years later we're still friends. You made sophomore year worth living, and left a huge mark on my life. It's been forever since I've seen you and it never feels like we talk often enough. Hopefully one day we'll get another shot at this thing. But until then thanks for sticking around. 143.

10. Have I told you lately? I know I don't as often as I should. But at the same time I never worry that you won't be there, I know you always will be. Thats just how you are. You my dear are one of a kind like that. I love you.


Thats all folks. I didn't mention alot of people, but the ones I did changed me, helped me, and taught me lessons I couldn't have learned any other way.

I really need to get this done...SQUIRREL!

So this weekend a close family friend came to visit, he and I had a thing and in all honesty I don't know if everything is totally normal yet between us. I mean its not awkward or anything, it just feels different. Which I guess was to be expected. I loved spending time with someone but every time I tried to think about him in that light again it just didn't feel right and my thoughts were immediately pulled toward someone else. It was and still is a confusing feeling. I'm just gonna go ahead and dismiss all feelings toward anyone for now. Feelings complicate things too much and I don't have time for complications.
On a happier note I'm going to the temple this week. I love the temple, and I'm so excited to go. Heaven knows I need all the help I can get.
School this week will be stressful, I have many a test to study for and a speech to give. And then work every day...not too excited about work. I kinda hate my job...alot. I'm so sick of working with kids, I feel like I've already raised children up to the age of ten. Maybe I'll just adopt a ten year old after I get married. Probably not though....wishful thinking.
My birthday was this past week, I'm officially 20! Weird. So weird. But it was a fabulous day! School, then lunch and shopping with my awesome mom, then dinner with the family. My 15 year old sister made me a slide show that totally made me bawl like a baby. It was a really good day. Definitely one of the best birthdays I've ever had.
I'm trying to write a fluid, coherent blog but right now my thoughts are so scattered I'm not sure its working out too well. Half my mind is still focused on the first paragraph I wrote, while I'm obsessing about the math homework that I've yet to finish, all the while I just wanna go to bed, but it's only 6:15pm and I know if I go to bed now I'm bound to be up by 3am...not what I want. Then again maybe I'll be more ambitious about doing my math homework and studying at 3am...never tried it before.
ANYWAYS I'm gonna go obsess about all the crap going on this week and hopefully somewhere in there I'll get something figured out or done. Not likely though.
Yours as always,
Miss Average