About that....

I got told that I was a negative person this week,
and on top of all my new found problems
I've found that the comment really bothered me.
So after some major life changing news this week,
I felt like I needed to be more positive...
but then I talked to my mom
who justified my feelings.
I'm not naturally a pessimist,
but I've been through alot this year.
And my cynical and overly analytical attitude
is just proof that I've had alot to learn.
I have learned alot this year;
you can't trust people right off the bat.
Best friends change,
Being alone is better than being with the wrong people.
I have more faults than I wanted to admit,
I needed to learn how to treat people better.
Being patient in Gods timing is hard,
Sometimes bad things can turn into blessings.
I ALWAYS fall for the wrong people,
I learned what I want in a companion,
Better yet I've learned what I DON'T want.
Often times I waste so much energy on people who don't matter.
I'm trying to do my best,
some days it feels like none of that even counts.
But I do acknowledge the good stuff,
I give gratitude where it is warranted.
I appreciate my family and the amazing friends I do have.
I may not be a big ball of sunshine,
but considering the trials I've got on my plate
I'd like to think I'm handling things relatively well.
I always feel that optimistic people just haven't had enough trials yet.
They're still naive to what the world is really like...
and that someday they'll wake up and get realistic.
Anyways what I'm getting at is...
Well...
Just don't judge me.
I'm not done yet.
I've got alot left to learn.
And life is hard.
Anyone who tells you it isn't hasn't lived.
We do get those silver linings,
that's the stuff that gets us through the crap.
So don't give up on me just yet,
and in return I'll do the same.
"This life is to be enjoyed, not just endured..."
I need to remember that more often.

Christmas!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
I LOVE...
That everyone's happier,
That it gives me an excuse to serve others,
That I get to remind the people I love, that I love them,
Christmas smells,
Eggnog,
Cookies,
Cinnamon,
Nutmeg,
Time with my family,
Cuddling up on the couch in P.J's,
Houses decked out in lights,
SNOW,
Warm fires,
Buying presents,
Wrapping presents,
Surprised faces after opening said presents,
Christmas music,
Recongizing the real reason we get to celebrate,
Remembeing the sacrifices Mary and Joseph made,
Feeling gratitude towards Jesus Christ,
I LOVE LOVE LOVE
CHRISTMAS!!!!

Physical Therapy

So I was in a car accident in April.
APRIL.
Some stupid 17 year old girl wasn't paying attention
and T-boned me.
And now 9 months later,
I'm still in Physical Therapy.
And I go to all the appointments,
but its not something I go into detail about.
Today it got to me though.
More so than anything else,
its just taken up alot of time.
5 out of 7 days a week for the last 9 months I've
seen a chiropractor,
massage therapist,
electric shock technician,
and a physical therapist.
And as of this week
I'm on spine med.
The Chiropractor
can't get bones to stay where he put them them,
just the day before,
and is consistently forcing every ounce of breath out of me.
The Massage Therapist
left me with bruises all up and down my body
for weeks at a time.
I wanted to cry more times than I can count during those 2 hr. sessions.
The Electric Shock Technician
well...it's pretty self explanatory,
they hook you up to a machiene that sends
jolts of electricity through your body for 20 minutes.
It kills, believe me.
My Physical Therapist
is forever trying to get rid of my whip-lash
by hooking me up to this contraption
that bends my neck in ways I'm sure God did not intend.
Which leaves me with a migrane everytime.
And lastly Spine med.
Ya know those old midevil torture devices,
that were meant for literally pulling a person from limb to limb?
Spine med is like that.
They put you on a table,
strap you down from the waist up;
then put curved metal holders at the top of your hips and lock you in.
Then the table moves, it's pressure is calculated by pounds.
So when set to 50 lbs. that means that your hips will then be pulled in the
opposite direction from your head, with 50 lbs. of pressure forcing your spine to lengthen.
If that doesn't sound bad enough every move is monitored by the amount of weight on the table, so if you breathe, itch your nose, cough, turn your head, or move your mouth,
the weight increases to make sure you're still getting an accurate 50 lb. pull.
Which in turn messes up the data being collected and you have to start over.
Spine med takes 45 minutes minimum.
And the whole time I feel like I can't breathe.
Half way through I feel like I could have an anxiety attack.
Today was rough.
I had Spine med. at 8 am,
then I had PT,
then Electric Shock,
then the Chiropractor.
I got home
and today,
I cried.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
IT HURTS.
It doesn't ever feel better,
it just hurts
ALL THE TIME.
And I can't fix it.
I can't control it.
I couldn't stop it.
And it hurts.
And no one gets it.
Yes I know I'm blessed to be able to get this care,
and I'm beyond grateful to have it.
But after 9 months of being in pain all day every day,
I'm worn out.
Running hurts,
dancing hurts,
laying down hurts,
turning my back hurts,
turning my head hurts,
reaching behind me hurts,
lifting things hurts,
it all hurts, all the time.
And its frustrating
cause I have absolutely no control over it.
I hurt.
Today it just hurt.

Perfectly Lonely

So there's this new song out by John Mayer entitled "Perfectly Lonely".
To sum it up its about being content in his single-ness.
"I don't belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me..."
So I feel like I can relate to him at this moment,
everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows about his love life,
his not-so-good rep. and his heart-breaker attitude.
And coincidentally I find myself in the same situation...
only my life isn't broadcast on national television, but still
I'm right there with ya John!
I have this reputation for getting the attention of....
unavailable guys;
though its not entirely my fault,
I still get crap about it.
Now the past "unavailables" are currently some of my very best friends,
if not the best.
Yet my rep. remains intact,
though I haven't dated anyone,
or even considered dating anyone since early February.
And like John I've been perfectly happy in my loneliness.
Until last week, and though contrary to my previous "type",
he's very much available.
And very much aware of "the rep".
Sounds like some sort of plauge huh?
It kinda feel like a plauge too...
I can't help but feel that having people know about the person I used to be,
influences who they think I am today.
In fact I'm sure it does.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a do-over button?
I'd even settle for a rewind, pause then re-write button....
guess thats really just a do-over, huh?
Anyways I'm not sure how to fix this,
because I don't have a do-over button
and I'm stuck.
This is the most level-headed I've been about a guy in...oh...
EVER.
I always rush things,
but I don't want to do that this time.
Man why does trying to find the "right one"
gotta be so dang complicated?!
Sorry John, but as of this weekend you're on your own,
I'm not so happy in my loneliness.
But good luck on stayin Perfectly Lonely!
Guess this means I'm on my own too.
I could use some luck right about now too...