About that....

I got told that I was a negative person this week,
and on top of all my new found problems
I've found that the comment really bothered me.
So after some major life changing news this week,
I felt like I needed to be more positive...
but then I talked to my mom
who justified my feelings.
I'm not naturally a pessimist,
but I've been through alot this year.
And my cynical and overly analytical attitude
is just proof that I've had alot to learn.
I have learned alot this year;
you can't trust people right off the bat.
Best friends change,
Being alone is better than being with the wrong people.
I have more faults than I wanted to admit,
I needed to learn how to treat people better.
Being patient in Gods timing is hard,
Sometimes bad things can turn into blessings.
I ALWAYS fall for the wrong people,
I learned what I want in a companion,
Better yet I've learned what I DON'T want.
Often times I waste so much energy on people who don't matter.
I'm trying to do my best,
some days it feels like none of that even counts.
But I do acknowledge the good stuff,
I give gratitude where it is warranted.
I appreciate my family and the amazing friends I do have.
I may not be a big ball of sunshine,
but considering the trials I've got on my plate
I'd like to think I'm handling things relatively well.
I always feel that optimistic people just haven't had enough trials yet.
They're still naive to what the world is really like...
and that someday they'll wake up and get realistic.
Anyways what I'm getting at is...
Well...
Just don't judge me.
I'm not done yet.
I've got alot left to learn.
And life is hard.
Anyone who tells you it isn't hasn't lived.
We do get those silver linings,
that's the stuff that gets us through the crap.
So don't give up on me just yet,
and in return I'll do the same.
"This life is to be enjoyed, not just endured..."
I need to remember that more often.

Christmas!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
I LOVE...
That everyone's happier,
That it gives me an excuse to serve others,
That I get to remind the people I love, that I love them,
Christmas smells,
Eggnog,
Cookies,
Cinnamon,
Nutmeg,
Time with my family,
Cuddling up on the couch in P.J's,
Houses decked out in lights,
SNOW,
Warm fires,
Buying presents,
Wrapping presents,
Surprised faces after opening said presents,
Christmas music,
Recongizing the real reason we get to celebrate,
Remembeing the sacrifices Mary and Joseph made,
Feeling gratitude towards Jesus Christ,
I LOVE LOVE LOVE
CHRISTMAS!!!!

Physical Therapy

So I was in a car accident in April.
APRIL.
Some stupid 17 year old girl wasn't paying attention
and T-boned me.
And now 9 months later,
I'm still in Physical Therapy.
And I go to all the appointments,
but its not something I go into detail about.
Today it got to me though.
More so than anything else,
its just taken up alot of time.
5 out of 7 days a week for the last 9 months I've
seen a chiropractor,
massage therapist,
electric shock technician,
and a physical therapist.
And as of this week
I'm on spine med.
The Chiropractor
can't get bones to stay where he put them them,
just the day before,
and is consistently forcing every ounce of breath out of me.
The Massage Therapist
left me with bruises all up and down my body
for weeks at a time.
I wanted to cry more times than I can count during those 2 hr. sessions.
The Electric Shock Technician
well...it's pretty self explanatory,
they hook you up to a machiene that sends
jolts of electricity through your body for 20 minutes.
It kills, believe me.
My Physical Therapist
is forever trying to get rid of my whip-lash
by hooking me up to this contraption
that bends my neck in ways I'm sure God did not intend.
Which leaves me with a migrane everytime.
And lastly Spine med.
Ya know those old midevil torture devices,
that were meant for literally pulling a person from limb to limb?
Spine med is like that.
They put you on a table,
strap you down from the waist up;
then put curved metal holders at the top of your hips and lock you in.
Then the table moves, it's pressure is calculated by pounds.
So when set to 50 lbs. that means that your hips will then be pulled in the
opposite direction from your head, with 50 lbs. of pressure forcing your spine to lengthen.
If that doesn't sound bad enough every move is monitored by the amount of weight on the table, so if you breathe, itch your nose, cough, turn your head, or move your mouth,
the weight increases to make sure you're still getting an accurate 50 lb. pull.
Which in turn messes up the data being collected and you have to start over.
Spine med takes 45 minutes minimum.
And the whole time I feel like I can't breathe.
Half way through I feel like I could have an anxiety attack.
Today was rough.
I had Spine med. at 8 am,
then I had PT,
then Electric Shock,
then the Chiropractor.
I got home
and today,
I cried.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
IT HURTS.
It doesn't ever feel better,
it just hurts
ALL THE TIME.
And I can't fix it.
I can't control it.
I couldn't stop it.
And it hurts.
And no one gets it.
Yes I know I'm blessed to be able to get this care,
and I'm beyond grateful to have it.
But after 9 months of being in pain all day every day,
I'm worn out.
Running hurts,
dancing hurts,
laying down hurts,
turning my back hurts,
turning my head hurts,
reaching behind me hurts,
lifting things hurts,
it all hurts, all the time.
And its frustrating
cause I have absolutely no control over it.
I hurt.
Today it just hurt.

Perfectly Lonely

So there's this new song out by John Mayer entitled "Perfectly Lonely".
To sum it up its about being content in his single-ness.
"I don't belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me..."
So I feel like I can relate to him at this moment,
everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows about his love life,
his not-so-good rep. and his heart-breaker attitude.
And coincidentally I find myself in the same situation...
only my life isn't broadcast on national television, but still
I'm right there with ya John!
I have this reputation for getting the attention of....
unavailable guys;
though its not entirely my fault,
I still get crap about it.
Now the past "unavailables" are currently some of my very best friends,
if not the best.
Yet my rep. remains intact,
though I haven't dated anyone,
or even considered dating anyone since early February.
And like John I've been perfectly happy in my loneliness.
Until last week, and though contrary to my previous "type",
he's very much available.
And very much aware of "the rep".
Sounds like some sort of plauge huh?
It kinda feel like a plauge too...
I can't help but feel that having people know about the person I used to be,
influences who they think I am today.
In fact I'm sure it does.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a do-over button?
I'd even settle for a rewind, pause then re-write button....
guess thats really just a do-over, huh?
Anyways I'm not sure how to fix this,
because I don't have a do-over button
and I'm stuck.
This is the most level-headed I've been about a guy in...oh...
EVER.
I always rush things,
but I don't want to do that this time.
Man why does trying to find the "right one"
gotta be so dang complicated?!
Sorry John, but as of this weekend you're on your own,
I'm not so happy in my loneliness.
But good luck on stayin Perfectly Lonely!
Guess this means I'm on my own too.
I could use some luck right about now too...

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

I. LOVE. THIS. SONG.

We CHANGE

EVOLVE

GROW

EVERYDAY.

Regardless of whats going on outside of us,

the things we can't control,

society,

people,

evil,

WE

still

have a

VOICE

WE

have

a

say.

And

NO ONE

can take that

Away.

I'm

just ONE

voice,

ONE

person,

and I can

CHANGE the

WORLD

ONE

little bit at a time.

Take away

the make-up,

nice clothes,

and try to break me

But I'm still here.

I'm still trying.

I'm still ME.

The stuff weekends are made of

So this weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time with my older sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and my brother-in-law's mom and sister.
I kind of adore all of these people, so all in all it was a great weekend.
Around this particular group of people I feel the need to be my best self, and typically walk away feeling like I have so many things to fix.
And as expected I now have a list of things to do and change.
But I had the privlege to have a conversation with my brother-in-law's little sister, who I really consider one of my own sisters these days.
In this conversation I got to do the teaching rather than the listening; and if you know me, you know that I'd much rather recieve advice than give it...I always feel like I have more to learn than whomever else I'm talking to. On any account, I had the blesing of being the teacher this go around. And boy am I grateful for that experience, I learned so much about her, the spirit, and myself. I know the spirit guided that conversation because I can't honestly say that what we were talking about was something I'd ever even thought about before. And for some reason she needed to hear what was said, and I just got lucky enough to be the person to talk to her about it.
I now have a reaffirmed faith that Heavenly Father gives us what we need, when we need it.
I'm grateful I was able to give back even just a little bit to this family. A few years back it was this family that Heavenly Father sent to me...granted my sister got a husband out of our relationshop with them, but I still like to think that He knew I needed them too. They set an example for me and helped me remember who I could be. I love them for that.
Anyways last night I also got to talk to one of my best friends...he's such a dork, but he always makes me feel better. I really just got lucky to know the people I do, and even luckier to be related to the people in my family.
More and more lately I've been realizing that God remembers me everyday...and He lets me know it too. I have alot to be grateful for.
I need to remember that more often.
Well thats about all I've got for now.
Not so excited to get back to my real life this week, but only one more week till Thanksgiving,
I'm counting down the days.
I love the holidays!
Excited :0)

Think. Worry. Analyze.

Man I don't know whats up lately
but I've turned into this hyper sensitive,
pathetic ball of mush.
I think.
I worry.
I over analyze.
Then I worry about why
I'm thinking
and over analyzing.
Then after obsessing about
what I think
I worry
that I'm going to start
overanalyzing.
And at the end of all the
thinking
worrying
and over analyzing
I feel terrible.
Then I start
apologizing.
All in all
I suck this week.
And I don't even know why.
But if I dwell on it too much,
I'll start to overanalyze it,
and if that happens
heaven knows I'm bound to start
worrying about it.
Something has got to give.

You really are so dumb. Fo real.

People are frustrating.
And dishonest.
Just because you're not
FLAT. OUT. LYING.
Doesn't mean you aren't being dishonest.
I hate hate hate hate hate
LIARS.
If I wanted someone to lie to my face
I'd pay people to be my friends.
But I don't.
I just don't understand.
What kind of satisfaction do you get
from not telling the truth?
How does it better you?
And worse!
Why would you date someone you don't like,
and then FLIRT WITH SOMEONE ELSE????
Maybe I'm just not "hip"
to how our society works these day,
but if you're just gonna mess around
with other people,
why be in a relationship?
Really, I just don't understand.
Anyone wanna explain?
OR
Why tell someone that you like them if you don't?
What happened to honesty people?
Here's a helpful tip..
IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMEONE
DON"T TELL THEM THAT YOU DO.
I promise it'll save you LOADS of
time,
drama,
apologies,
and hurt feelings.
I'm starting to think I'm the crazy one.
I thought these were all standards.
Apparently I was wrong.
SO for people who lie,
cheat,
decieve,
or speak before they think...
You really are SO DUMB.
Fo REAL.
Just sayin'.

Do it today. Say it today. LIVE. TODAY.

So I was thinking today

And I've been told I think too much

and I'm sure I do.

On any account I was thinking today.

I was thinking about what I'd do or say

if today was my last.

Now I can't say that I hide what I feel

or think generally.

But I decided that there had to be

a few things at least

that I'd want to do,

or want to say.

After thinking about this for a good while

I decided that if today was my last day

I'd be ok with it.

My family knows that I love them.

My friends know that I care.

I've left journals behind.

I've been honest.

I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I know where I'm headed when this life is over.

I've not always been my best,

I've made more mistakes than I can count,

But I tried.

I tried to be my best.

I've said what I've needed to say,

asked questions I've needed answers to,

and can say with confidence

that I've lived a good life.

Then I realized how lucky I am

that today is not my last...

at least in this moment.

I'm still alive and feel that I will be

for some time.

I have the opportunity,

chance,

choice,

to make every day I'm given

COUNT.

My life is worth living.

I have so much more to do.

And still so much more to say.

Things I don't even know about.

And people I've yet to meet.

Experiences.

Challenges.

Blessings.

Heartaches.

Happiness.

I've got so much life to live.

How glad I am

that today is not my last.

What would you do if you only had one day left?

What would you say?

Are there amends to make?

Love to profess?

Challenges to accept?

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today, for you will find that you end up with alot of empty yesterdays."

Breathing again

Ever had something that weighed on you so much
that somewhere inbetween all the
thinking,
analyzing,
praying and
stressing
you just kinda stop breathing?
You just lost it a little bit?
And then finally
after it's all figured out,
taken care of,
and questions are answered
you start breathing again,
not realizing that you ever stopped?
Thats been me for the past year.
This thing has seriously been eating me alive
for what feels like forever.
And after 15 months,
I can finally breathe again.
I feel lightened,
relieved,
comforted.
I feel like God remembered me again today.
And I'm grateful.
While I can say I feel loads better,
cause I do.
I can't help but admit that I feel
a twinge of sadness.
Hope always gets the best of me.
I don't usually expect the best out of people.
But in a few instances in my life I have,
and this was one of them.
So I hoped.
Regardless of this minor feeling
I'm still happy to just be breathing again.
"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

What I'd say if you were here- confessions, apologies, and thank you's

1. We're 20, remember when we talked about all the things we'd be doin when we were 20; how we'd be doing them together? Remember when we said we'd always be best friends? Remember? I do. I miss you. I'm so mad at you for all the crap you've put me-us through in the past two years, I don't even know how to talk to you anymore. But so often I'll be driving on I-25 and just be tempted to keep going till I get to Tejon, to get to your moms house. So often I just want to talk to you, to stay up way too late eating Reeses Puffs, drinking chocolate milk and talking while some movie that we both "really wanted to see!" plays in the backround. I miss laughing with you, I miss crying with you, I miss taking stupid pictures of ourselves, I miss seeing you at church, I miss hearing your testimony, I miss your taste in music, I miss our inside jokes, I miss you. I miss YOU.

2. I'm combining you two cause I have the same things to say to both of you, you guys save me, everyday. I can't even comprehend not being as close to you guys as I am. I'm sure I'd fall apart. You guys get me. You can read me better than an open book. And more often than not you know what I'm feeling before I even get two words out. I'm so grateful to be sealed to you two for time and eternity. I'm blessed to be related to the both of you and love you more than words can describe. Thank you. Dani thank you for calling to check in on me, thank you for meeting me half-way, thank you for being there when I need you most, thank you for being there when I screw up and for rejoicing most when I come back. Thank you for being my best friend. And Mom, thank you for staying up to talk to me, even when we've had the same conversation about the same boy/job/friend/situation a hundred other times that week. Thanks for supporting me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for not giving up on me, and for not killing me when I desreved it. Thank you for being my mom.

3. Rarely does a day go by that I don't regret not knowing what I wanted with you. For not being my best me when I told you I loved you, for not being more honest with myself so I could be more honest with you. I wish we could go back to the month that you went home, and we could just be friends; maybe things would've worked out differently if I'd had intentions of only being your friend first. We can't change the past and I know that, so I'm grateful you're still here. Thank you for being my friend still. Thank you for being endlessly patient with me.

4. You are my person. Whether you like it or not. Ya know, everyone said after you left I'd never hear from you again; thank you for proving them wrong. I held my breath waiting for that first phone call, and I instantly feel better when I see you're calling these days. You've solved every problem I've ever given you and answered every question I've ever asked. You're the first person I call when I'm frustrated/mad/sad/excited/confused/passed out or drugged up....I call you, and you always fix me. I miss you buddy.

5. Only when reflecting on people in my life do I even think about you anymore. You were my first. I fell in love with you, and in all honesty I've yet to find someone that makes me feel like you did. You had my heart. It took a long time but I finally feel like me again, the one that doesn't need you. But I do wish you all the best, you'll always have a piece of my heart. Knowing you and your family made me a better person.

6. I know Heavenly Father answers my prayers, I'd never been so ernestly seeking an answer than I was the night I prayed about why I felt like I was supposed to know you. Thinking about that night, to this day I can still hear that answer. It's an answer I don't feel the need to question. What I do question is if you felt it at all too. I feel like I'm at a standstill in my life waiting to know the answer to this question. Too bad you don't seem to have enough time to let me know whether or not I'm wasting mine.

7.You brought out the very worst in me and I'm so thankful I was finally able to get you out of my life. I could not be paid all the money in the world to relive what I went through with you. I thought I could help you, and all you did was break me.

8. I'm not sure why we aren't friends anymore...I think we were both just too stubborn to apologize, and that seemed to cost us our friendship. My best experience in the temple was with you. My best summer was with you. My best shopping sprees were with you. I became my best me because of you. I miss seeing you be your best too. And I learned so much about the gospel from sharing it with you. If you ever need a friend my door is always open.

9. Man we have some weird history. I can't believe we met on a bus and 5 years later we're still friends. You made sophomore year worth living, and left a huge mark on my life. It's been forever since I've seen you and it never feels like we talk often enough. Hopefully one day we'll get another shot at this thing. But until then thanks for sticking around. 143.

10. Have I told you lately? I know I don't as often as I should. But at the same time I never worry that you won't be there, I know you always will be. Thats just how you are. You my dear are one of a kind like that. I love you.


Thats all folks. I didn't mention alot of people, but the ones I did changed me, helped me, and taught me lessons I couldn't have learned any other way.

I really need to get this done...SQUIRREL!

So this weekend a close family friend came to visit, he and I had a thing and in all honesty I don't know if everything is totally normal yet between us. I mean its not awkward or anything, it just feels different. Which I guess was to be expected. I loved spending time with someone but every time I tried to think about him in that light again it just didn't feel right and my thoughts were immediately pulled toward someone else. It was and still is a confusing feeling. I'm just gonna go ahead and dismiss all feelings toward anyone for now. Feelings complicate things too much and I don't have time for complications.
On a happier note I'm going to the temple this week. I love the temple, and I'm so excited to go. Heaven knows I need all the help I can get.
School this week will be stressful, I have many a test to study for and a speech to give. And then work every day...not too excited about work. I kinda hate my job...alot. I'm so sick of working with kids, I feel like I've already raised children up to the age of ten. Maybe I'll just adopt a ten year old after I get married. Probably not though....wishful thinking.
My birthday was this past week, I'm officially 20! Weird. So weird. But it was a fabulous day! School, then lunch and shopping with my awesome mom, then dinner with the family. My 15 year old sister made me a slide show that totally made me bawl like a baby. It was a really good day. Definitely one of the best birthdays I've ever had.
I'm trying to write a fluid, coherent blog but right now my thoughts are so scattered I'm not sure its working out too well. Half my mind is still focused on the first paragraph I wrote, while I'm obsessing about the math homework that I've yet to finish, all the while I just wanna go to bed, but it's only 6:15pm and I know if I go to bed now I'm bound to be up by 3am...not what I want. Then again maybe I'll be more ambitious about doing my math homework and studying at 3am...never tried it before.
ANYWAYS I'm gonna go obsess about all the crap going on this week and hopefully somewhere in there I'll get something figured out or done. Not likely though.
Yours as always,
Miss Average

Wisdom. Gratitude. Family. Second Chances.

There are so many things that have been on my mind these last few days, so I'll attempt to sum it all up, no promises though.
First off I got my wisdom teeth out- all FOUR. FOUR. FOUR freaking teeth ripped outta ma head! The first day I drooled and cried. Second and third day I watched fifty billion episodes of House. By the fourth day I was ready to get back to my normal life...only problem was the gaping holes in my mouth where my FOUR teeth had been said otherwise. Sunday ended in the most pain I'd been in yet, more drugs, and a blessing. I've been progressively getting better since. Today I got back to my normal life. I'd missed it.
Second. I recently found out that an old friend of mine's dad passed away. It made me do alot of thinking. She and I have known each other since second grade, we were always in the same class, lived down the street from each other, and participated in choir, hand bells, and dance together. Sixth grade we even went to the school a week before the first day and decorated our lockers together- Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp all the way. She's one of the sweetest girls I've ever known, always an optimist and yet this is a trial God has given her. I'm sad for her. And at the same time so incredibly grateful that what she's going through is not something I've been asked to do.
Which brings me to my next thought. Not only have I felt more grateful for my few trials, but I've appreciated my family more too. I had the chance to take my three younger siblings up to Golden to see my oldest sister, her husband and their baby yesterday. In all honesty we didn't do much of anything, but just being there with them made me happy. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I'm more grateful to have my family than I can put into words. I don't think there is yet a word to be invented to accurately describe how much I love them or how blessed I am to have them. These crazy people that make up my family are my very best friends, every single one of them.
Now this is the real kicker, and its been on my mind for a few weeks now. My brother-in-law and I used to be really close, he couldn't have been more perfect for my oldest sister and because he was so perfect for her, I automatically loved him. He's good. He's honest. Smart. Kind. Hard working. He's a great husband and a fantastic father. I respect him ALOT. As I said we used to be close, and not just because he was family. We used to be able to talk and sitting alone in a room didn't used to be awkward. Then this last weekend I realized our conversation was strained and I didn't like it; I didn't like that we had nothing to say to each other, I didn't like that the conversation felt forced. I slowly realized that we were now only talking because we were family, and that's just what you do. So when we went to see my sister yesterday I brought it up. Apparently she'd noticed too, and evidently it was my fault. After a bit of explaining I knew she was right; it was my fault. I'd been stupid, I hadn't listened, I'd blown off, ignored, and insulted him in more ways than one. It's been on my mind for over 24 hours and I have yet to come up with a solution on how to fix it. I want so badly to fix this and I have no idea where to start. I thoroughly hope he believes in giving people second chances, even to those who heaven knows don't deserve them.
That's about all for now. I can't say this week was a very average one at all. It was actually very abnormal. but I'm excited to get back to my real life...the ever so predictable, unchanging, average life of mine. I'm comfortable there. At least for today.
Yours,
Miss Average

God knows me

The rough week continued into a rough weekend.

My family went camping and I had class,

so I didn't get to go.

I was beyond lonely.

They got home today

and I find I am still beyond lonely.

I feel invisible lately.

Unnoticed.

Completely.

And I've given up on a lot this week.

I gave up on my best friend.

My job.

Body.

Finding new friends.

Money.

A lot.

I've felt like God just forgot about me.

Forgot to give me directions,

friends,

a job,

He just got busy and forgot.

But tonight sitting on my floor

thinking about everything I've given up on,

and everything I've lost.

God remembered me.

He helped me find something.

It's going to save me money,

time,

and days of stress

Things I've been preparing for.

So I'm grateful.

I'm blessed to have what I do.

I still don't have friends,

a good body,

money,

or a job.

But I'm grateful.

I'm just grateful He remembered ME.

Today

Today...rather this week I'm frustrated.
I feel like I'm at a standstill and I don't like it.
I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing,
planning ahead as much as possible;
and I feel like its all getting me absolutely
no where.
I've run out of friends.
They're all "experiencing" life.
AKA getting trashed, sleeping around and
"finding out who they are"...
they just don't want to be accountable to anyone.
So I'm left with classmates and co-workers.
Who challenge my religion every chance they get.
I'm tired of it this week.
Just worn out.
So family it is.
I really do have a great family.
And I'm grateful for that.
School is fine.
Money is tight.
The gospel is true.
I just wish I had one someone to share this with.
Elder Ohio and I talk consistently...
he's the only friend worth mentioning.
Haven't heard from Elder California
nor do I anticipate that I will.
I think that's whats got me today.
Though today is just another day,
and I'll have a new one tomorrow.
Tomorrow....
Yours,
Miss Average

Just another day

So I know it's been a while since I've checked in, but I've had so much going on in my average everyday little life...you know the busy stuff that makes you feel like you haven't really accomplished anything? Yea its that stuff. So here's what I've been up to...

1. I went to California with my best friend. I LOVED Santa Barbra. I learned that my best friend and I are headed in very different directions- and I'm ok with that. I came away with an indescribable feeling of gratitude towards the members in Cali. Their kindness, acceptance and willingness to serve some girl they'd never met before changed me, they set an example I won't soon forget.

2. School started. I changed my major to Business Management. I'm making friends and sharing the gospel...it feels great.

3. Still working at the dental office. Attempting to share what I know with a man I work with. He's an Atheist-he's searching.

4. Elder California goes home this week. I'm freaking out.

5. Institute classes started, I'm excited to learn.

There isn't much else going on, just the normal day to day junk. But I'm enjoying it. I love where I'm at, though I can't help but wonder where I'm headed....

Thats all for now.

Yours truly,

Miss average

It's been a while...

So that week of trying to serve others went over like a lead balloon. Instead I got into a car accident and life went down hill from there for a bit. But as of late things have indeed been falling together and there's no complaints here :0) Though I can honestly say the Lord works in very weird ways. Oddly enough I feel more like me than I've felt in a very long time, I like where I'm at, I enjoy the people in my life, and I'm grateful...just very grateful.
I've been focusing more on the blessings in my life and it's made quite a difference; my life is by no means perfect and I have my fair share of trials but I'm content in what the Lord has given me. I should probably feel this way more often, but I as well as I'm sure others do, get caught up in the world and my hectic daily life.
Anyway just checking in...maybe one of these days I'll have something more brilliant or inspiring to say but as for today I'm still just an average girl living in this crazy world.

Yours truly,
Miss Average

Time. Time. Time.

Things change so dang fast sometimes its hard to keep up with everything, let alone how I feel about it. Elder Ohio is indeed my best friend, but after my overly- emotional girl week I've come to the conclusion that I am NOT in love with him. He's just my person, and I'd very much like it to stay that way. Regardless I still miss his crazy self. All I needed was time to figure it out.
My little sisters birthday party went well, it was actually ALOT of fun; she was happy so I guess that's whats most important. The Golden family came down to play as well and it has in fact been thrilling to have them and baby here, like I said babies make everything better. Things are looking up. I'm still very much alone in my average-ness but I'm getting to be more ok with it; the quite gives me time to think and sort out priorities.Life is crazy, but today I'm happy with it. I'm here and I'm trying, thats what counts. This week I am going to go out of my way to make other people feel good, special, important, or loved. I'll write back on how things go. "Forget yourself and go to work!"- Gordan B. Hinckley

Just as I said.

Today is another average sort of day; get up, take shower, make bed, say prayers, eat breakfast. Nothing out of the ordinary. Though today is my littlest sisters birthday party; she's turned nine. Why is it that every year we get older things get harder? Why is eleven easier than twelve? Why is nineteen so much harder than eighteen? I don't have an answer or a poetic, clever response; I'm merely putting the question out there. But just as I said today is my sister's birthday party; my oldest sister and husband are coming up from Golden to celebrate with their adorable baby in tow. I'm excited to see them, babies make any average day much more thrilling.
No much else is happening, still missing Elder Ohio and still trying to become my best me. So far I'm failing miserably, I'm just lonely inside and out, trying to keep up a contented appearance. My senior english teacher always said she wanted to write a book entitled, "My life sucks, how's yours?" That pretty much pin-points how I feel today. My life sucks, how's yours?

Who is me?

I'm not the pretty princess kind of girl,
Or the one that got away.
I'm not the genius or the athlete,
Not destined to compose a masterpiece someday.
I wouldn't say I'm beautiful, not anymore than the next.
I won't be a druggie, or that alcoholic mess.
I'm not easy to please though not hard to handle.
My life is worth living out from under the shadows.
You cannot say I'm a goth or a prep,
I won't play the part of the broken-hearted and depressed.
There is not yet a mold to make someone like me,
for being like me is impossible you see?
To be my own perfection, my own best friend and my own enemy.
I am not the trouble maker or the good girl,
Not the brown-noser or the tattle-tale.
I'm not going to Heaven nor will I arrive in Hell.
I'm simply me and that will have to do, but tell me this;
What kind of person are you?

Stand

This has been a favorite song of mine for a while. In life it seems the more crap you go through the better you become. It's not always easy to see that you're going to be better while you're IN the mess, but the best thing we can do is keep our heads up and just keep moving. Still taking baby-step, but I'm moving.

You've got guts...

I needed to write this down somewhere so it'll stop playing over and over in my mind and I can focus on other things, so here it is. I don't expect anyone else to care but it matters to me so I'm putting it down. I recently realized that I had slight feelings for one of my best friends, and in the attempt to keep the air clear I told him...flat out. I don't want to be one of those people that's in love with their best friend for ten years and never tells them. That's dumb. Well while he proceeded to tell me that his feelings were not the same, that was not the worst part. You see this friend of mine...lets call him Elder Ohio is currently serving a mission for my church...in my area. So not only does he not feel the same BUT he also can no longer talk to me till the end of his mission....in JULY.That's FOUR months away...FOUR! While he's assured me we're still best friends and repeatedly told me that I had major guts for even telling him, it still sucks. I don't mind being alone, for the most part I enjoy it; that is until today when I realized that I don't mind being alone as long as I have Elder Ohio to talk to. He's my person and I feel empty without him. So all my hurt feelings, questions, venting and missing will go unfixed, unanswered, lost and kept to my lonesome self till July. Last night I made a calendar to mark off how many days till I get my best friend back. Though things have not gone according to plan lately and I'm left with no friends and only family to talk to, I'm still trying, I WILL become my best me. And it appears as though I'll have to do it all on my own. Wish me luck.
Yours,
Miss Average

This is my life and it's ending one mintue at a time

I'm not particularly good at writing, but my mom blogs, my friends blog, and my mom's friends blog; so I figured I'd better start a blog. I can't honestly say I have anything worthwhile to talk about but I needed a place to go to in this very average life of mine. A place where boys didn't matter, where no one cares how much I weigh or about the clothes I wear, who I do and don't hang out with, mostly I just needed a place to be me.

I'm 19 years old, I'm a Latter Day Saint,I'm the 4th of 7 kids, I'm a nanny.

I try to be my best self and like most humans I fail often, but I know I'm brave, I fall and I get up again; sometimes getting up takes a little while, but I do it. I'm in the process of getting up again and it's hard. BUT as of today I am determined to live my very average life in the most exciting way possible. I WILL become my best self, I WILL take chances, I WILL get up again, and I WILL be brave. I'm excited to watch myself change, these next few months are gonna be crazy...in my own very average sort of way.

Sincerely yours,

Miss Average